VANQUISHING YOUR INNER BULLY
By Elana Laham © 2017 Elana Laham
There are three kinds of inner bully(s).
They are the inner bully coward of the MIND, the inner bully coward of the HEART, and the inner bully coward of the BODY.
The inner bully coward of one’s mind attacks your self-esteem as RELENTLESS noisy detrimental thoughts about yourself that convince you to think you are bad by giving you so-called reasons. This inner bully is deeply embedded in one’s psyche. It is housed in the conscious sector of the brain.
The inner bully coward of the heart attacks your self-esteem as INSIDIOUS silently damaging feelings about yourself that persuade you to feel bad about yourself without giving you any reasons. This inner bully is more deeply entrenched in one’s psyche. It is housed in the sub-conscious section of the brain.
The inner bully coward of the body attacks your self-esteem as a SPONTANEOUS impulsive action against yourself that influences you to do bad things to yourself for no reason. This inner bully is most deeply rooted in one’s psyche. It is housed in the unconscious segment of the brain.
In order to deal with all three types of inner bully(s), one must -
STEP ONE become AWARE of their existence within oneself by realizing that anything and everything destructive that we do to ourselves originates from this three-headed monstrosity of bullying.
STEP TWO is to know your enemy by deciphering which one of the three sorts of inner bully(s) afflicts you.
STEP THREE means one has to illuminate the ignoramus of the three-faced inner bully by KNOWING how it OPERATES.
STEP FOUR involves discovering how to DISRUPT its operation.
The best way I can teach you how to overcome your own inner bully is to show you how I am learning to overcome mine by sharing with you my real life experiences involving my own struggle with my own inner bully.
Though the workings of the inner bully may be complex as all three of its facets can and do overlap us, the inner bully is easily dealt with by using your own LIFE EXPERIENCES to identify which one of its three devilish aspects basically possesses you.
Understand that we are NOT our inner bully. We were not born with an inner bully. Comprehend that we INHERITED our inner bully from a significant other. Know that we can ELIMINATE our inner bully with patience and determination.
My significant other was my mother dearest. She manifested her temper without provocation – bullied me – by screaming at me and cursing obscenities at me. To make things more difficult she was both physiologically and psychologically stone deaf. This meant that, after venting her unwarranted venom all over me, she literally and figuratively turned her deaf ears to me rendering me MUTE.
So it is the speechless inner bully of the HEART that possesses me.
When I embarked upon my journey of becoming “victim-no-more” initially all was quiet within me…until I learned that I had what I call an inner bully.
My inner bully constantly berates me for the way in which I fight back against outer bully(s) by bestowing negatively charged emotions upon my being after I have battled the outer bully. The next thing I know I am eating junk food. Never mind that I won the fight.
I have recently identified my inner bully’s mode of operation.
Once I sift thru its destructive feelings and render it a voice, I am able to hear the damaging messages that my inner bully is communicating to me about myself.
The following is its message resounding as an eternal echo from my mother dearest:
You have no IMPACT against the outer bully(s) who bully you unless you SCREAM at them and CURSE at them. In other words I am a wimp if I do not engage in battling bullying my mother’s way. Yet, my mother never fought back against any bully. All she ever did was victimize me with her bullying.
Fighting back against bullying with screaming and cursing is problematic.
1)Although you hurt the bully, it gives the bully satisfaction (a consolation prize) that he hurt you, which will be displayed by a smile at your pain in public, or laughter at your pain in private, or a smug attitude of hidden pleasure at your pain. 2)The bully can play the victim. You are hurting him so you must be the bully. Now he can get you into trouble with other bully cowards also known as so-called Good Samaritans who are authority figures such as so-called bystanders, security guards or the police. Never mind that you are defending yourself against the bully’s offensive actions. 3)It damages your body by draining your energy. 4)It damages your well being by being undignified. You are not a beast. The bully is. You are a humane being. An innocent decent person. Remain the nice, smart, and brave one. Make the bully even more upset at you with envy by having to say about you, “I hate you Clark Kent because you are nice!” 5)It puts you at risk for becoming out of control with rage and committing behavior you may regret such as a crime of some sort.
The solution – The Bully Culture is so God awful that it is unlikely that you will be able to get a bully into trouble for being a perpetrator. However, this is what you can do to fight back against both your inner bully and the outer bully.
The following is a real life scenario illustrating how I vanquish my own inner bully by the way in which I have chosen to conquer the outer bully:
I am waiting at the Lev Karmiel post office counter window to talk to the manager. A female patron is conducting her postal business with the manager when suddenly she turns her body towards me and her head faces me, and starts yelling at me in Hebrew. I do not know what she is saying but I figure it has something to do with her being concerned that I am going to interrupt her turn. So I tell her in Hebrew, “I am just waiting”. She turns her body towards the counter window, but her head continues to face me, and screams at me in Hebrew some more. Once again, I do not know what she is saying. So I say to her in Hebrew, “I did not understand you because I do not speak a lot of Hebrew”. Now she keeps her body turned away from me and also turns her head away from me, and says nothing. I add in Hebrew, “I cannot hear you. Speak louder.” and I laugh. She stays entirely turned away from me and makes a gesture with both of her hands for me to go away, and says nothing. Now I tell her, “'I am just waiting. I am not bothering you.” Now she gestures with only her right hand for me to go away and says nothing. I remain there. The manager asks me in Hebrew, “What do you need?” I answer in Hebrew, “I just wanted to say thank you!” And I leave.
In exchange for the outer bully yelling at me I did the opposite of what my mother dearest inner bully was demanding me to do. Instead of getting excited by screaming back at the outer bully I stayed CALM and did not yell. And instead of cursing the outer bully for no doubt being rude to me for nothing I did the following to the outer bully:
A)EXPOSED with the truth the outer bully to all the other bully cowards in the post office and to her own self by embarrassing her for being the bully coward she is by saying to her, “I am just waiting. I am not bothering you.” B)MOCKED with sarcasm the outer bully by not taking her screaming seriously by making a fool out of her by saying to her, “I cannot hear you. Speak louder.” and I laughed. C) FRUSTRATED her for being a bully coward by being able to ignore her by telling her, "I did not understand you because I do not speak a lot of Hebrew."
The outer bully will HIDE – act like you are not bothering him – but just look at the outer bully’s non-verbal body language.
Here’s the flow chart –
First, the outer bully turned her body towards me and her head faced me. Second, the outer bully turned her body towards the counter window, and only her head continued to face me. Third, the outer bully kept her body turned away from me and also turned her head away from me. Fourth, the outer bully stayed entirely turned away from me and made a gesture with both of her hands for me to go away. Fifth, the outer bully gestured with only her right hand for me to go away. In addition, she went from totally screaming at me to complete silence. She had utterly run away from the fight that she started but I finished.
Game over! Even though I live in a Bully Culture, I won!! I stopped the inner bully and the outer bully from bullying me!!!
[See the web page entitled “Vanquishing Your Inner Bully Updates 11/6/15” of the BullCrap Busters website for Part I of this write up].
[See the Mental Bullying web page of the BullCrap Busters website for more details about the workings of the inner bully].