HOW TO DEAL WITH NARCISSISM
Written By Elana Laham © 2018 Elana Laham
A Special Thank You to Zara Zorael, a Victim of Narcissism,
for having the Courage and Compassion to share
her knowledge about Narcissistic Bullying with the Public.
The main objective of this web page is to supply you with the necessary tools to cope with narcissistic bullying.
If you sincerely desire to know what narcissism is all about ask a victim of narcissistic bullying. After all, the victims’ experiences with narcissists are how any knowledge about narcissism ever became known. Do not ask the so-called experts on narcissism. For the most part they happen to be narcissists themselves who are trying to make a buck by charging you money for their so-called knowledge.
Let me preface this web page by advising you to read articles on narcissism. There is so much literature about narcissism I cannot cover it all. This way, if there is anything you do not comprehend, understand, or know of what I am discussing here you can discover it there. A lot of the new literature tends to be tainted by the Bully Culture’s implantation of web site narcissists who falsely claim to be so-called experts on narcissism. So, I recommend you read the old literature for it tends to remain untarnished having been derived at from experiences from genuine victims of narcissistic abuse and neglect.
Life is about growing as a person and being happy discovering your passion, which is your one of a kind genius contribution to this world and to yourself. We are to take care of others and others are to take care of us. In other words have reciprocating relationships. Being people we can choose to be members of a civil-i-zation and thrive by behaving like humane beings and preserving our humanity by respecting one another, or we can choose to be members of the Bully Culture and merely survive by behaving like beasts and murdering our humanity by disrespecting each other. Most people have chosen the latter, which is the reason why narcissists exist. Narcissists are not interested in taking care of others. They are not even interested in taking care of themselves. So one cannot have a relationship with a narcissist, period.
What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is a person who has a borderline personality disorder. He/she is on the cusp between being psychotic and being neurotic. Narcissists are crazy but not like institutionalized lunatics. Narcissists are not as psychotic. They will not jump out of a ten-story building and try to fly. They still have a grip on reality. But they are selectively psychotic like when it’s always every one else’s fault and they are never to blame.
Why don’t narcissists change?
Due to the narcissist’s psychosis, which is to have an attitude that only he/she exists, and an arrogant belief in the illusion that he/she is a great person, the narcissist will not acknowledge that he/she is sick.
All narcissists’ care about is narcissistic supply.
As far as the narcissist is concerned, all things and all beings are nothing more and nothing less than objects to be exploited for narc supply.
I believe that the universe was created in such a way that every problem has a solution to it. Otherwise neither the problem nor the solution can exist. It has to do with the Yin and Yang principle. Being that the Creator created the cosmos from these two opposite primordial powers – one being the constructive force of Yang and the other being the destructive force of Yin, there can be no Yin without a Yang. And so there cannot be a problem – contractive Yin force without a solution – expansive Yang force.
Every thing and every one has a weakness. This is due to the fact that we are all interdependent creatures. What this means is that we all have to rely on each other and one another in order to exist, which is why planet earth has an ecosystem and people have a society. As a result the Achilles Heel of the narcissist lies in the narcissist’s goal, which is to get negative narcissistic supply by getting positive narcissistic supply. In other words, “I will be nice to you now in order to be mean to you later.”
That being said...
The remedy for dealing with a narcissist is to starve the narcissist of narcissistic supply by terminating the relationship by becoming physically separated and/or emotionally detached from the narcissist.
The victim has to learn how to starve the narcissist of his/her narcissistic supply, which ironically is what the narcissist does by depriving the victim of anything and everything the victim wants or needs in the so-called relationship. Now the so-called website experts on narcissism will attempt to teach you not to be so cold and calculating. After all, these are the deeds the narcissist commits against you and you do not wish to be a narcissist, yourself, right? Sound familiar? You will not become a narcissist be using Aikido – the narcissist own mode of operation against him/her for the simple reason that you, the victim, have the right to defend yourself against the perpetrator’s offensive behavior.
There are two types of narcissists.
One type of narcissist is the overt narcissist who is physically abusive.
The victim must physically separate one’s self from the overt narcissist in order to prevent the narcissist from physically harming him/her by employing the Leave No Contact Method. No living with him. No seeing him. No hearing his voice.
The following are ways to physically protect one self from the overt narcissist:
Overt narcissistic parents – secure a safe place by inserting locks in your private space or room.
Overt narcissistic spouses - secure different living quarters.
Overt narcissistic bosses – arrange to have others nearby to prevent such him/her from committing violence against you. No bully is willing to be a bully if the bully risks getting caught being a bully.
For Overt narcissists the victim can seek the law by getting a protection order and learn self-defense from a martial arts teacher in order to physically protect oneself.
The other type of narcissist is the covert narcissist who is emotionally abusive.
Because most people in the world today are narcissists since the Bully Culture breeds such people by conditioning people to worship “Me-ism”[See the web page entitled “Society’s Bully” in the BullCrap Busters website for details] there is no environment to go to run away from the narcissist. That being said, narcissists infiltrate every sector of society. Narcissists can be your parents and/or your siblings and/or your friends and/or your bosses and/or your teachers and so on and so forth.
This being the case, there are victims who cannot just leave a narcissist due to having to interact periodically with the narcissist as a result of for instance an ex-spouse over one’s children or for example a boss over one’s job.
The victim must emotionally detach one’s self from the covert narcissist in order to prevent the narcissist from emotionally hurting him/her by employing the Minimal Contact Method. All necessary communications are to be done via brief visits, short phone calls, succinct emails, terse letters, or a laconic third party messenger.
As with all bully(s), narcissists are very controlling. So the victim has to be in emotional control of one’s self. What does emotional control of one’s self mean? It means you react with no emotion to the covert narcissist.
The following are ways to emotionally protect one self from the covert narcissist by being in control of one’s own emotions:
One way to stay in control of your own emotions is to contrary to other bully(s) IGNORE THE NARCISSIST. What this means is that you do not get emotional with the narcissist over the hurt he/she is causing you. I know this is difficult when the narcissist elicits anger and despair from you as a result of the unconscionable “rape” he/she is relentlessly doing to you. But if you do this, you will prevent the narcissist from getting his/her narcissistic supply. You will shut off his/her access thru you to his/her positive narcissistic supply by withdrawing your love from him/her by refusing to for instance praise him/her for everything he/she does for you or for example by refusing to admire him/her for anything he/she does for you. Remember the narcissist only does things for you in order to get his/her narcissistic supply from you. You will shut off his/her access thru you to his/her negative narcissistic supply by refusing to hate him/her by for instance refusing to let him/her know that you are upset and by for example refusing to take revenge upon him/her.
You overcome being upset with the narcissist by realizing that though you are his/her bully target you have nothing to do with why he/she bullies you. He/she bullies you since he/she is a sick person. Like most bully(s) he/she bullies others. But unlike most bullies he/she is mentally ill. Narcissists are not neurotics. Neurotics are people who have incorrect behaviors. According to the online dictionary the problem with such persons is that they are emotionally repressed. Solution: emotional release. So their misbehaviors are correctable. If they do not fix them it is because they are unwilling to. Psychotics are people who have dysfunctional personalities. According to the online dictionary they cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is not. Narcissists are borderline psychotics. Narcissists are selectively delusional. So change is very difficult.
Another way to stay in control of your own emotions is to get into the habit of being AS INDEPENDENT AS YOU CAN. Do not depend upon the narcissist for anything or for as few things as possible by being as independent as you can with your life. If you forbid the narcissist from doing things for you he/she cannot take control of you by disappointing you by not following thru on doing those things you want/need done. So do the job yourself, instead.
Yet another way to stay in control of your own emotions is to employ what I call “THE EITHER WAY IS OKAY” approach to covert narcissistic bullying. If you have to depend on the narcissist for some things take his control away by letting him know that whatever the outcome is that the narcissist makes is all right by you. This way you take away his control by giving him control. This works on the narcissist because getting control in and of it self is meaningless to the narcissist if it is not the means to the ends of getting positive/negative narc supply.
A for instance: You are handicapped, so the narc goes food shopping for you. You make a request that the narc buy you orange juice, but the narc buys you apple juice instead followed by the narc's lying excuses as to why he did not get you what you wanted or needed. Simply let the narc know in a calm way that either juice is fine.
A for example: The narc refuses to go shopping for groceries for you. Simply let the narc know in a calm way that you will hire a taxi to purchase the food items you need and want, yourself. The covert narcissistic demands narc supply and he did not get you upset, so he did not get any. This means that, the chances are great that he will now rush to the grocery store to buy you whatever food you requested him to including but not limited to exchanging the apple juice for the orange juice.
Still another way to stay in control of your own emotions is to SET BOUNDARIES with the narcissist. Boundaries are limits you establish in order to keep you away from the narcissist and the narcissist away from you.
One kind of boundary has to do with keeping the narcissist away from you by announcing a designated amount of warnings to the narcissist to let him/her know that if he/she keeps violating your needs/wants you will leave. If and when the narcissist refuses to respect your wishes/desires after said amount of warnings leave and immediately. Once the narcissist realizes that he/she has to acknowledge your boundaries he/she will either do so in order to have your attention, or he/she will search for attention elsewhere.
Another kind of boundary has to do with keeping you away from the narcissist by limiting the type of sharing you are willing to do with the narcissist. Do not do deep sharing. Do not share your thoughts or your feelings with the narcissist. Only do shallow sharing with the narcissist. Discuss things that pertain to your superficial involvement with him/her such as information regarding running errands.
If you have no one else but the narcissist in your life and I mean you are seriously all alone without a friend, family member, work colleague, and so on and so forth, then develop a relationship with the one who loves you more than any one else, the one who invented you, God.
[Reader’s Note: I am not referring to any religious deity. I am referring to the Creator of creation].
If you have a bad attitude towards the Lord search yourself to discover why. More often than not it is a result of bad experiences you had with religion, or your parents who we all relate to as “God” when we are young, or if you have had a rotten life. Please know it is not God’s fault that people have chosen to live in a Bully Culture, which is the reason why people in general suffer so much. It is God’s will not to interfere with what people have chosen so that people will have free choice. For without free choice people will no longer be people. But if you exercise your freedom of choice to choose not to be a member of the Bully Culture then God will assist you. So please give God a chance. If you do you will know inner strength that you never believed was possible and acquire happiness within you that you did not know was probable.
The Creator created us. So God more than any other being knows how to act like a sensible decent “normal” person. If it is difficult for you to relate to God being that God is an indefinable being than pray to God for a friend. Many people believe that God has sent them angels to be their friends, that angels are amazingly stress relieving, incredibly caring, protective, guiding, and healing divine beings who are there for any and all who are innocent or sincerely repenting of any guilt they have committed.
Please know that I, too, am your friend. And though we have never met, you can always remember that I am here for you.
THE HEALING PROCESS
The healing process occurs after the victim of narcissism has physically separated and/or emotionally detached from the bully coward narcissist.
During the after math of narcissistic bullying one of the things that might happen to the victim is a loss of sense of self.
Just know that your loss of self is only temporary. You cannot lose yourself permanently unless you make an intentional decision to trade your true self worth in for the false Bully Culture value system. God defines who you are not a narcissist. I am not referring to any religious God with all due respect to religion. I am referring to the Creator of all creation. There never was, is not now, and never will be another one of you in the entire cosmos. That is how precious you are. You are irreplaceable and you have a purpose on this earth. We all have one true soul mate. The essence of each and every person that God creates is divided into half. The one half is you and the other half is your true love. Your true love will reciprocate the love you give him/her. You will both want one another and need each other. He/she will lift you up and vice versa, not throw you down. So the Narc you were with is not your friend. This means that whatever he said or did to you is meaningless. He cannot define who you are. God has made you who you are already. Now it is up to you to discover it. Be patient with yourself and enjoy the journey. No one can define you. God already fashioned you. And God is a Divine being. Whoever you are, you are a one-of-a-kind gem. And though you may be a diamond in the rough being that you have not found out who you are yet, you will, as life unfolds for you. So you are a present to yourself.
During the after math of Narc abuse another thing that might happen to the victim is the experience of being petrifyingly lonely.
“I believe I know how lonely many of you are because my Narc ex-spouse is the only person I had in the whole world. I have no community. I have no family, I have no friends, and I have no children. I reached out for help but was unable to get any. So I have no help either. But I had no choice. I had to either accept the "worse than death" loneliness. Or die myself via my Narc ex-spouse. As far as my Narc ex-spouse goes it is not feasible for me to go no contact with him, as I am financially bond to him for life. So I have to go minimal contact with him, which made me realize that I was addicted to my narcissistic ex-spouse. And quitting my addiction to the Narc in my life is like quitting any other addiction. The withdrawal pains were excruciating...initially. However, eventually, I started to see him for the insecure child that he is instead of as an all-powerful all-knowing monster. Like when he rages about some trivial matter yet will not get upset over a life-changing event. Like when he made us lose everything we had since all he cares about is narc supply.
When he decided to get physically abusive with me and I had to move away to protect myself I broke down from the sheer loneliness of it all. At least when he was emotionally abusive he was there. But in the void of what I believed was my empty self I found the Creator of my being. My one true friend who will not abandon, reject, or betray me, God. Why do I harp on God? One reason is because when you are utterly alone, as I am, you have no one else. We all need and want some one in our lives. Homo sapiens are social creatures. The other reason is since I know that God loves me. And I have tangible evidence that God loves me. God has saved my life from every dangerous situation I have ever been in out of no fault of my own. Now you might ask, ‘Why then didn’t God save you from the Narc?’ Answer, because while we were dating my Narc ex-spouse made me believe he was the man that he is not. When we got married I was financially dependent on him and unable to secure finances on my own, as I am handicapped. And I stayed so long in the relationship since I had to know what was going on in order to have closure so I can heal and move on.
I am not saying that any of you have to latch onto God in order to get into the Narc free zone. Just know that you are stronger and tougher than you believe that you are. You were made that way. So if and when you find yourself all alone please know that you are unbreakable even if in such a moment you feel like pulp and think you are going to go crazy from the isolation. And yes, even if your body aches all over. Your heart is untouchable. For it is full of the everlasting love that God bestowed upon you as one of its living beings. God is helping me save my own life again from my covert narcissistic ex-spouse now that I am ready. I still have relapses, especially being that I now struggle with not to share myself with him and falter periodically. It is my nature to be sharing and perhaps to a fault. So to not share is a challenge. But I am doing so much better than I ever was before.
“I found many online articles on narcissism about self-care. One of the things they mention with regard to self-care is the cultivation of hobbies. In my greatest hour of loneliness I stumbled upon some articles on the Internet about what are called “loners”. Loners are people who live in self-imposed isolation. They prefer their own peaceful company to that of toxic peoples so-called companionship. So now I enjoy my own company by listening to epic music or watching oldie but goodie movies.
Do not ever give up on taking your life back. Wishing you all the best.”
BLAMING THE VICTIM
The Bully Culture Blames the Narc Victim for Being Victimized by the Bully Coward Narc via Websites about Narcissism.
Most of the websites about Narcs are fake blog spots. [See the web page entitled, “Cyber Bullying The False Opposition Memorial To Gohan Updates 10/10/16” in the Bullcrap Busters Website for details about fake blog spots]. They feature people who are Narcs as the experts to go to for advice on how to deal with Narcs. In other words they are, “for the Narcs by the Narcs of the Narcs!” Sound familiar? These so-called helpers do not focus on what the victim can do to overcome the Narc world we all have to live in. Instead, these so-called helpers focus on blaming the victim for being a victim of narcissism and on insisting the victim forgive the Narc who is not remorseful, which like all bullying, puts the victim at risk for committing suicide and/or homicide. After all, the Bully Culture does not desire that the victim become well by overcoming Narc bullying. The Bully Culture wishes the victim to remain sick by staying trapped in Narc bullying. For without victims there will be no bullying and without bullying there will be no Bully Culture.
There are support groups for victims of narcissism who tote the party line that originates from the Blame the Victim for being a Victim of Bullying mentality of our Bully Culture by declaring that the Victim is partially accountable for the Narc relationship.
[Reader's Note: Victims of narcissism are not at all liable for being bullied by Narcs].
The Bully Culture Blames the Narc Victim for Being Victimized by the Bully Coward Narc by asking the following Bombastic questions:
Why Did You Get Involved with the Narc?
“You say loneliness is definitely what leads a person to accepting a narcissist in their life and make them their life center.”
“My loneliness is not what led me to accept a Narc in my life. Like any other human being, lonely or not, I was looking for true love. Before I met my Narc ex-spouse I dated another Narc who happened to be a doctor, had a very charming personality, a great sense of humor, and was extremely handsome. On our third date he decided it was okay to reveal what a nasty person he actually was by being verbally abusive towards me. That was when I ran as fast as my short legs will carry me away from him. I never saw him again. When I met my Narc ex-spouse during the dating period he love bombed me by misleading me into believing that he was the man I wanted and needed to marry. It was not my fault that he was not. At that stage I did not even know what a Narc was. I had no narcissistic awareness.
As far as making my Narc my life’s center I am a very loving type of person. My plans were that I will be his life’s center and he will be my life’s center, reciprocity, otherwise known as love. So why did I stay so long in the marriage? Because I had not a clue as to what was going on. I had no people resources to help me. I did not want to throw away my marriage if it was salvageable.
So I sought marriage counseling. But none of the many therapists we went to knew that my ex-spouse was a narcissist, let alone a covert one. We went to umpteen therapists and they all misdiagnosed my ex-spouse. None of them knew that he was a Narc! Later in the marriage I found articles on narcissism that warned me that Narcs can be so manipulative that they even fool the therapists you are seeking help from. One counselor misdiagnosed my Narc ex-spouse as being sexually impotent. Another counselor misdiagnosed my Narc ex-spouse as having anger issues and recommended anger management. Later in the marriage I discovered articles on narcissism that warned me that anger is not the issue. The Narc will just use anger as an excuse to be a Narc. Another counselor introduced me to a cyclic wheel describing the unending “roller coaster” ride we victims of narcissism are made to ride on at break neck speeds without safety belts. The cyclic wheel illustrated the period of rages - abuse followed by neglect – the silent treatment followed by guilt - the honeymoon phase followed by the repeat cycle that the Narc generates. I found articles on narcissism that asserted that the Narc feels guilt. However, I discovered on my own that my Narc ex-spouse has no guilt. The so-called guilt was the hovering – niceties he did to me in order to extract positive Narc supply from me for himself in order to snare me back into his web of abuse and neglect in order to extract negative Narc supply from me for himself. When I asked my Narc ex-spouse why positive Narc supply was not enough and he craved negative Narc supply as well, in a moment of honesty his answer was, 'I get greedy for attention. I do not have to work at negative attention getting as hard as I have to at positive attention getting'.
It is really hard when you haven’t a clue as to what is going on with your marriage for so many years and no one else knows either.”
Why Didn’t You Leave the Narc?
“I was married to a covert narcissist for 20 years. He not only destroyed my life he destroyed his own life. We lost everything we owned. The reason I stayed so long was because I did not know what was going on. Until I discovered that he was a narcissist. But I was not able to get any help.
On my own I started to realize that the relationship was unsustainable. But healing for me meant that it was necessary for me to get closure on what was happening so I can move on. So I went on the Internet for answers to my burning question of ‘What is going on???!!!’ Thank God, I stumbled upon an article called, ‘Narcissism’. It fit my Narc ex-spouse to a tee. From there I started reading Narc articles like a drunkard drinks alcohol. Meanwhile, logistics were happening that were beyond my control that prevented me from leaving him. And to my horror I witnessed my Narc ex-spouse degenerating into more and more of a narcissist until he went from being emotionally abusive to setting his sites on me for physical abuse. All of these changes took years to happen.
As long as the Narc fantasy was in place my loneliness glued me to my Narc ex-spouse. After all, he was the only person in my life who made me believe that he cared about me. But after I was finally able to pry the fantasy mask off of my Narc ex-spouse my loneliness was no longer any reason to stay with him.
We must respect the reason why a victim does not leave a Narc when we believe the victim ought to. My marriage to my Narc ex-spouse lasted 20 years: The deeper the wound the greater the struggle to heal. The victim will leave when the victim is ready and able to leave.
Four years ago my Narc ex-spouse decided to go from being emotionally abusive to being physically abusive. I was not going to have any of that. So I moved away. I was petrified of being alone. Until I discovered that I enjoy living alone. It is peaceful and I am safe. I turned to God to help me with my loneliness since I do not want to go back to him and because I do not need him. God has given me the strength to stay away from him. I am not a religious person so I do not refer to God as a religious deity. I am a spiritual person so I refer to God as the Creator of creation.”
Why do Empaths and Narcs Attract?
Empaths are empathetic individuals otherwise known in Jungian psychology, as the personality archetype called the “INFJ”, which is an acronym for Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judgmental. The INFJ is the rarest personality profile in the world composing about 1% or less of the entire global people population. INFJ Empaths are basically honest, caring, happy, naïve people who tend to possess a paranormal sixth sense.
“You say like attracts like and that Narcs and Empaths are very similar which is the reason why they are in dysfunctional relationships together.”
“If this were true then how does one explain that both of my parents were Narcs? My mother was an overt Narc and my father was a covert Narc. And how does one explain that my Narc ex-spouse’s father was an overt Narc and his mother was a covert Narc? The Narc and the Empath are one hundred and eighty degree opposites. Just look at their traits. Hating versus loving, Selfish versus selfless, Destructive versus constructive, False self versus true self, Cowardly versus courageous, etc.
The Narc and Empath have one thing in common. They are both victims of neglect and abuse but they process how they are going to survive it differently.
Us empaths struggle to obtain the balance between rescuing others by abandoning ourselves and being able and willing to empathize with the narcs who have hurt and/or harmed us by choosing acceptance instead of revenge. We do not necessarily forgive the narc because he is not sorry but we simply acknowledge what happened without judgment so we can heal and move on. The best thing we can do for ourselves and for the narcs is not to become like the narc but to remain our empathic self.
Learning the life lessons that the Narc teaches us is an essential part of our healing process. I am sure you know the saying, ‘An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure’. I discovered that the only thing that makes it possible to learn from my life experiences with my Narc ex-spouse is to be able to and willing to accept what happens without judgment. I used to seek revenge, because I believed doing so will stop my Narc ex-spouse from bullying me. All it did was corrode my empathic self. Now I know better.”
Why are Victims of Narcissists Lonely?
“You say loneliness is just another word for self-emotional abandonment.”
“I do not believe that loneliness equates with self-emotional abandonment. Due to the huge amount of trauma I had to endure since I was very young, which included chronic loneliness, I went into what in psychology is termed a de- personalized and de-realized state of being. It was my immune system’s way of protecting me not neglecting me from the painful and lonely environment I was made to live in out of no fault of my own.”
“You say both the Narc and the Victim of the Narc need the other to escape themselves.”
“This is true of the Narc but false with regard to the Narc victim. I didn’t just decide that I am going to escape from myself by living in the Narc fantasy because I did not even know that I was living in a Narc fantasy. If I was just trying to escape from myself I will not be openly sharing myself with the support group. And I am bearing my all for my own healing and hopefully to help others heal. If victims of narcissism are trying to escape from themselves then they will never be able to join a group such as this searching for the answers to their questions as to what is going on, or to get support for healing, as they will be too much in denial, as the Narc is, to be willing to even recognize that there is a problem, let alone that there is also a solution.”
“You say we create in life what we believe we deserve and you believe that you are not worthy or good enough to receive love and acceptance”.
“My experience in life has been that we are conditioned not to believe that we are lovable and others create for us what they believe we deserve. I was a victim of this narcissistic relationship because of what I call the horseradish patch syndrome. Both of my parents were narcissists. They forever neglected and abused and traumatized me. So I was raised in a horseradish patch. I knew no other reality. Therefore, I believed that worming my way thru horseradish and chomping on its bitter root was normal. Thereby, I had no conscious awareness that abuse and neglect was abnormal and I did not know what boundaries were, as no one ever taught me. But my subconscious knew. As an adult it all began to surface like a sick stomach that finally up chucks all the crap out of one’s system. This is the healing journey that I have taken. This was my awakening.
I do believe as you put it that, ‘Our personal truth is what we truly believe about ourselves, deep down at core level.’ Our subconscious knows who we truly are since God has innately endowed us with its Divine essence. I believe you that, ‘If you’ve grown up with narcissistic parent(s), or emotional abuse, neglect, or trauma...your personal truth becomes damaged.’ But I also believe that our personal truth is not damageable being that it originates from God. It simply gets submerged. As children we cannot say, ‘no’ to our Narc parents if we are going to survive the insane environment they make for us. So our personal truth becomes pressed – suppressed, repressed, oppressed, and depressed. But as adults we can become independent- independent thinkers and independent feelers, and say, ‘yes’ instead to our own true selves.
I do not believe that we were put here on this earth to suffer. God created for us paradise on earth. So our purpose was that we were meant to be happy spiritually growing and evolving thru our own unique contribution to the world also known as thriving. However, many people have made this world into a hellhole having chosen to hurt and harm each other instead of help one another. When others persecute us we are forced to adapt in order to learn the life lessons that other sicko beings thrust upon us. This being the case, our soul’s journey has become to heal our selves and to heal others also known as surviving. But whether or not we live in paradise thriving or a hellhole surviving God created a failsafe universe for us to exist in. This means that, either way we can reach our full potential as the unique individuals that we are meant to be.
Narcs cause us stress by emotionally draining and emotionally overwhelming us. So we go into survival mode by ignoring our feelings in order to deal with the nonsense the Narc is invading our life with. When we are alone away from the Narc we can de-stress, which allows our delayed feelings to be released. When they release themselves from our system without seemingly any reason we experience them as undue nervousness or PTSD also known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD basically is defined as experiencing emotions involuntarily as a result of not having been able to voluntarily emote one’s feelings when the stimulus that brought them about occurred.
I have always enjoyed my own company. But being human, I want and I need to share myself with others. There are plenty of bully cowards and Narcs in the world. But decent loving peaceful people, I never met any. Instead, God rescued me from the worse than death loneliness, by reaching out to me. Acceptance. I cannot heal my childhood wounds because I accepted them as the things that I cannot change so they no longer exist for me. I left them in the past, which Stephen King’s Langoliars ate up. I have accepted the things I can change. So in the present I am learning how to be my own friend by teaching myself how to fight back against narcissism. And the future...it has yet to be written."
“I know that sometimes it is tricky to know where your responsibilities as a Narc victim end and the Narcs accountability as a bully begin. Whoever is telling you these things that you commented to me on, please do not take in these messages to yourself, as they are ‘Blame the Narc victim for being a victim of Narc bullying’ messages. And we victims have been thru enough.”
“I am all about sharing. If it so happens that the sharing results in a teaching and learning exchange then great. And if not, I am here to give positive support to others and to receive positive support from others whether or not we see eye to eye. Everything I relate to you is the truth according to my life experience.
Unlike you, I do not regard my true self as damaged because I happen to believe that our true self is just another name for the Divine essence that God has implanted within us. And being that it is Godly, it is untouchable, unbreakable, and unalterable. That being said, when all of the bully coward(s) invaded my existence by throwing filth all over me, there was so much dirt piled on my true self that it got buried. But just as my head is fastened to my neck it was not lost. When I unearthed it, I brushed the dirt off and my true self was as it always has been, is now, and always will be a true self.
So you too, just like me, knew no other normal. And you, too, just like me, had no one to love, protect, guide, and heal you. You say, unlike me, you created what you believed you deserved and that we all create our own lives according to what we believe we deserve, and that no outside source can create your life and that only we are responsible for the life we create. But if you believe this then why are you talking about your Narc mother as if she created your reality for you? You said she made you feel worthless and useless. You said, ‘As a result of excessive criticism, judgment, verbal abuse, and her projections, my personal truth was damaged.’ I think and feel that the hardest Narc to have to deal with is a parent, especially a mother. ‘Mother is God on the lips and hearts of every child’ - from the movie called, "The Crow" by David J. Schow & John Shirley. If you create your own life then why did your mother have any impact on you at all? That is quite a creation. She is an outside source.
“You say if we cannot love ourselves we look to outside sources for love and that this results in codependency.”
“Whether we love ourselves or not, all humans seek love outside of ourselves. God created us to be this way so that we will reproduce ourselves so that our species will continue to exist. And it does not have to be that if we do not love ourselves we are destined to be involved in codependent relationships. The world does not have to be so sick and so inhumane that just because we do not love ourselves people ought to be unwilling to love us, or at least try to love us, and instead neglect and abuse us.
I do agree with you that we must be healthy and whole ourselves, in order to be healthy and whole in a relationship. It certainly did mean this in my case. My Narc parents taught me not to love myself because they did not love me, and since I learned from my Narc parents that I am not lovable even when outside sources were willing to provide me with wholesome love, I rejected it. But not because I had created my own reality to do such a thing, but since my innate divine program to seek wholesome love had been over ridden by my Narc parents’ virus. And the sad part of it was I did not even know it, which explains why when my Narc ex-spouse started doing his Narc thing I had no clue as to what was going on. When people entered my orbit, I pushed good people away from me and pulled bad people towards me. And I had no awareness that I was doing this to myself.
I do not believe in the notion that I have to take responsibility for my part in the relationship, as there was no ‘my part’. One cannot expect a person who has been knocked out to put up their dukes. I was 100% subconscious and 0% conscious. As I already stated to you, as a child I was not permitted to say ‘no’ to my parents. So in order to survive the daily trauma that my Narc parents generated for me I had to bury all of their Narc crap into my subconscious, which produced a lot of nightmares for me. I remember a nightmare in which I was telling myself, ‘All I have is crap, crap, crap in my brain’. But there was no dream interpretation therapist to explain to me what I meant by that.
So, during my one and only marriage I had no idea what was going on. As an adult I started to ‘awaken’ so to speak. All the Narc battering made me realize that something was wrong. And I no longer had to say, ‘yes’ to my parents, as I no longer had to live under their roof. But my awakening was gradual being that the Narc virus that my Narc parents inserted in me had infiltrated my entire mind. When I became self aware, and all on my own, that was when I knew that in order for me to heal I had to learn from the ‘mistakes’ that others did to me in a world where no one was willing or able to teach me.
Until, I stumbled upon a lot of solid advice on the Internet world regarding narcissism, such as the recently wonderful advice about the minimal contact method. The literature about the minimal contact method does not judge me by erroneously insisting that I am in any way liable for the Narc ex-spouse relationship I found myself in after I woke up from the Narc relationship my Narc parents tormented and tortured me with. Nor does it erroneously label me a co-dependent empath, as if it is a bad thing to be a good person. The literature about the minimal contact method simply throws me a life jacket that says, ‘Here is a practical way to emotionally detach yourself from the Narcs in your life’. So the only ‘my part’ in all of this is to acquire the skills necessary, that out of no fault of my own I did not have, as no one offered any to me, to make me as Narc free as I can be.”
I read a few articles that in my opinion give bad advice to the victim of Narc regarding how to deal with a Narc.
One such article asserts that there are three ways to control the Narc.
1) Withhold narc supply until the Narc begs for more then you name your price and dictate the terms.
The trouble with this advice is that if you make it a practice to deprive the Narc of Narc supply by becoming a difficult Narc supplier the Narc will go elsewhere for easier Narc supply.
2) Sell yourself as high grade of narc supply, which forces narc dependence on you. The Narc will be very attentive to you if you are a great narc supply.
The trouble with this advice is that if you make yourself a high grade Narc supplier – by providing positive Narc supply to the Narc – the Narc will be very attentive to you since the Narc will reward you with high grade abuse because the Narc will get greedy for negative attention seeking Narc supply.
Overall, the Narc relationship is unsustainable for the more the Narc deprives the victim the less there is for the Narc to deprive the victim of. So the Narc is continually degenerating – starving himself of Narc supply. This means that the Narc has to end the Narc relationship with the old Narc supplier by beginning a new Narc relationship with a new Narc supplier in order to start the withholding process all over again in order to extract Narc supply.
3) Uphold and adore the Narc’s delusional self-grandiose fantasy of who he is.
The trouble with this advice is that once you realize that you are living in a fantasy with the Narc not the reality you believed you were sharing with the Narc why will you stay in such a world? You have your own life to live!
Another article offers bad advice by asserting that the victim surrenders to the Narc so that the Narc will decrease the punishment he delivers to the victim. In the short term you win but in the long term the world loses. If we, the people, do not fight back against the Narc, narcissism will not only continue it will increase in size and intensity to epidemic proportions just like the rest of bullying already has.
Protect and tolerate the bully but denounce and persecute the victim is the world we currently live in.
Yet another article offers bad advice by asserting falsified information about narcissism. According to this article statistics report that 6% of the overall population are narcs. The Bully Culture does not want you to know the truth, which is that most of the global population is Narcs. Otherwise, people might unite to do something to rid society of Narc behavior. But the Bully Culture needs you to believe it cares about you. So it sites narc is an anomaly percentage to begrudgingly acknowledge the existence of the narc.
The following is Zara Zorael’s True Life Story.
It illustrates what she experienced being married to a Covert Narcissist.
She decided to share it with the world to offer people Hope.
"I NEVER HAD A DING DONG DAY"
Story by Zara Zorael
Written by Elana Laham © 2018 Elana Laham
[Reader's Note: Please Read Zara Zorael’s Story at your own Discretion. Its material is very Potent and Graphic].
I had a dream that my spouse disappeared after our wedding.
And I can’t find him.
While we were dating my fiancé, whose name was Manny, treated me like I was the finest gold. That was why I married him. After our wedding in graduated calculated increments my husband Manny started treating me like I was a piece of crap.
NO SEX - When normal people get married they consummate their marriage by engaging in sexual relations on their wedding night. I believed that marriage was the most important right of passage in one’s life. So I saved myself for that epically special event. I was a 36-year-old virgin when I got married for the one and only time in my life. I am now a childless 57-year-old spinster.
We never ever had sex during our entire twenty years of marriage. My spouse told me he was physically impotent, which he divulged, not during our prenuptial dating period, but during our postnuptial marriage. We visited countless psychologists including sexual therapists to help us resolve our problem. None of them knew what was going on. The only thing they fixed was my purse and my spouse’s wallet. I noticed that my spouse got a full erection every night while he was sleeping. One evening while I was watching, “Sex and the City” it aired an episode about a male who was emotionally impotent. So I thought that was surely it. But when I confronted my spouse with my newfound knowledge that he must be emotionally impotent he attacked me by telling me, “I am not attracted to your body”. So I told him, “Then, why did you marry me?” He said, “I like your company”. However, as our married life unfolded I observed that the only thing he chose to be married to was his job.
I had a dream my spouse brought a female co-worker from work into our marriage bed to have sex with.
My spouse suddenly announced under the threshold of the front doorway of our house that he is going to marry her and divorce me.
I started crying silent choke filled tears.
I decided to have my spouse undergo a lie detector test to discern if he was cheating on me or not. He passed it with flying colors.
I had a dream my throat was so swollen with grief
and I was so overwhelmed with emotional pain
all I can do was whisper to my spouse
how upset I was that he mistreats me.
He was utterly indifferent towards my feelings.
NO ROMANCE – We spent our wedding night at an expensive cheap hotel overlooking the smog filled overly congested city in which we lived. I was nervous yet excited about my anticipated first time experiencing copulation. But my spouse fell asleep on top of me and slept all day for the entire three days we were there. When I asked for a honeymoon, he left it to me to plan the entire trip. We went to the Hawaiian island called Lanai. But he spent our entire week there sleeping and/or staring at other females.
In the first year of our marriage my spouse and I celebrated our marriage anniversary by going out to a restaurant, and my birthday by having the florist deliver to me a dozen blooming red roses. For the rest of our twenty-year marriage we never ever celebrated any special dates or exchanged any gifts, again. Instead, I had to request flowers from my spouse and the flowers he brought home to me were dead or dying.
If I did not initiate affection – hugs, kisses, “I love you” and so on and so forth there was not any.
As the years went by the neglect and abuse escalated.
I had a dream I see in pure black color
and all capitalized print the word “LOVE”.
NO FRIENDSHIP – If I brought up our marriage troubles my spouse fell asleep in the middle of my grievances, pathologically lied, denied, or made excuses about his bad behaviors, ignored me by staring out the window, repeatedly claimed that he did not hear what I said, blamed me for his misdeeds, offered me false promises about correcting his wrongdoings, made insincere apologies for his transgressions, minimized my suffering by bragging about some trivial insignificant thing he did for me once in an eternity, enacted Sara Burn Heart melodrama theatrical temper tantrums by yelling, biting his fingers, hitting his forehead until bloody against the wall, or threatening to kill himself, used me to play the mother role by pretending to want/need my help but refusing to implement my advice, and when I wanted/needed a father shoulder to lean on he refocused the discussion to be all about his self, or gave me the silent treatment and acted like there was nothing wrong the next day.
He also destroyed our possessions while making it look like it was an accident. Twice he crashed our car. The first time it was a fender bender on the freeway. I was not with him. The second time but a few months later he totaled it rear-ending the car in front of him at sixty miles an hour on the freeway in the pouring rain. I was with him and got a whiplash that made me unconscious. When I came to the air bags had deployed causing the vehicle to smell like it was on fire. His explanation for the car accident was that he was falling asleep behind the wheel. I believed him until he wrecked our next brand new car by repeatedly backing it into a parking lot block while repeatedly exclaiming, “I can’t see!” When a motorist cannot see where they are going they put their foot to the break pedal not to the accelerator pedal.
He was also anti-supportive – hindering instead of helping me achieve my goals and accomplish my endeavors. One of which was to learn how to be assertive with so-called people. He refused to protect me against people who tried to emotionally hurt or physically harm me, and he interfered with me defending myself against others offensive behaviors towards me. When I asked him why, he said it was because he was jealous of me.
Besides being emotionally withholding my spouse was also verbally abusive to me. The following are some of the nasty things he said to me:
“You deserve my neglect and abuse since you put up with it”.
“People victimize you with bullying because you are ugly”.
“I hope you die of cancer from your chocolate addiction so I can have the money back that I gave you”.
DECISION MAKING: My spouse made decisions without including me in the decision making process. He made bad decisions. I had to rectify their negative consequences. My spouse disrupted my decision making process as well by interrupting me in the middle of a sentence or by immediately disagreeing with my suggestions without being willing to test whether or not it will work. My spouse also derailed my decisions by confounding me. I love clothes. But I do not have any fashion sense even after reading books on the subject. My spouse has an innate knack for knowing what kind of garments flatter my full figured body type. So I tried to enlist his help. But instead of assisting me in building a nice wardrobe of functional, comfortable, stylish clothing he never failed to equivocate in order to always thwart my success by saying, “no” followed by,” yes” followed by, “I do not know” with regard to figuring out if something looked good or bad on me. So I ended up giving away thousands of dollars of clothing to the charity house. He did not care that he was wasting his own hard earned money. Once, I threw away a skirt and jumper as a result of trusting my spouse’s judgment regarding dressing well. Never mind that every one I came in contact with was looking at me favorably when I wore them.
I had a repeating dream I was in the grocery store
shopping for chocolate.
Each time I was standing in front of a bigger and bigger isle full of shelves full of chocolate products.
SABOTAGE AND ENABLE: My spouse sabotaged my weight loss efforts by staring at skinny women in the gym while I was sweating my butt off using the fitness center’s cardiovascular equipment to shed my excessive body fat. My spouse enabled me to regain my lost fat pounds by supplying me with chocolate, which I consumed as my only coping mechanism for the STRESS he was meting out to me by relentlessly psychologically battering me Consequently, I ended up going on a never-ending always-beginning yo-yoing weight loss and gain cycle. Eventually, I had a full-blown addiction to chocolate as I began to consume it in larger and larger amounts over the course of our fiasco of a marriage. When my doctor warned me that I was at risk of dying from cancer due to the chocolate toxins that had built up to dangerous levels in my system, I pleaded with my spouse to stop getting me any. To no avail! He had no qualms about bringing it to me whenever and wherever I asked for it as a result of succumbing to its cravings.
I had a dream I heard the following words:
“I do not care if you die”.
My ex-spouse does not care if I die from eating too much chocolate. He is an enabler. He always buys me chocolate. He never refuses to buy me chocolate. And he knows chocolate is killing me.
I had a dream I see a white anchor,
which extends by a white rope
all the way to the bottom of my feet.
SEPARATION – Upon my request my spouse filed a legal separation agreement in which I was rewarded all of our communal assets. Looking back on this I now realize he did this to prevent me from leaving him. But I believed foolishly that he must have cared about me and so he was doing this to insure my safety and wellbeing.
I had a dream I heard a female voice say to me,
“Zara your husband is crazy”.
So why didn’t I leave???!!!
HEALING – Crazy as it is, I felt that I had to have closure before I was able to move on. I was pathetically and pitifully confused. I sought answers to my blank questions on the free worldwide Internet. Initially, what I found were articles on the subject of domestic violence. I was able to narrow my search down to emotional versus physical domestic violence and from overt to covert narcissism.
What came next was I was scared to death to leave. I did not know how!!!
So I reached out for HELP.
The first time I sought help was from the American Domestic Violence Crisis Center.
But all they were willing to give me was more neglect and more abuse. They refused to do their job. They were hostile towards me resentful that I was inadvertently reminding them they had a job to do. They intended to get paid to do nothing. [See the web page entitled, “The American Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center Updates 1/31/16” in the Bullcrap Busters Website for details]. I was sadly devastated. But I refused to give up.
The second time I sought help was from Israeli Social Services Center.
I, Zara Zorael, a victim of domestic violence sought help from the Social Services Center, which supposedly offers counseling and legal services to individuals such as me. But all they were willing to give me was more neglect and more abuse. And to rob me. [See the web page entitled, “Social Services in Karmiel Israel Updates 1/16/17” in the Bullcrap Busters Website for details]. I was sadly devastated. But I refused to give up.
I am a victim of domestic violence via a covert narcissist. I am in PAIN and I am in DANGER. I tried getting help from the DV Center in the United States and I tried getting help from the DV Center in Israel. Both only offered abusive so-called therapists. I can get a protection order. Beyond that, I am utterly alone in the world.
The third time I sought help was from websites for victims of narcissism.
But the ones I found were scam operations looking for desperate victims to swindle by stealing their money. I was glad they did not get any of mine.
The fourth time I sought help was from online support groups for victims of narcissism.
But, as I mentioned above, the ones I found were fake blog spots that had the Bully Culture agenda of toting the Bully Culture myth that the victim is to blame for being a victim of bullying. Insert the word “Narc” before the word “victim” and the word “Narc” before the word “bullying”.
Abandoned by the so-called “Just ask for help and society will give it to you” Bully Culture myth, I was on my own. It was so scary I had to avoid thinking or feeling about how alone I was just to survive.
I had a dream I heard a male voice say to me,
“Your parents don’t deserve to be buried”.
A glimmer of light dispelled my darkness one day when I stumbled upon a series of articles on Utube by various individuals who apparently were victims of domestic violence like myself. Only they referred to it as narcissism. I curled up in front of the small screen of my MacBook Pro Macintosh lap top computer and clung with my eyes to the only humanity life was offering me…these strangers who did not ask for money to impart their knowledge and who were not getting paid by the government to pretend to care about others. As I read their online articles and listened to their webinars I began to experience déjà vu, which is a strong sensation that an experience presently being experienced has already been experienced in the past. And so it was. A narcissist was exactly what my spouse was and precisely what my mother and father had been as well. Everything and anything I learned about narcissism was utterly true about all of them. Now it all made perfect sense. Knowledge is power. I finally had complete closure and along with it the chance to totally heal from my God-awful twenty year ordeal of being the wife of a covert master manipulator narcissist.
I had a dream I am hitting and kicking my spouse
but it did not even faze him.
I began collecting data from the web on what narcissistic personality disorder was all about and how to develop coping skills to deal with a narcissistic bully coward. One of the survival techniques was to learn not to retaliate. The narcissist gets what is called narcissistic supply from this. Narcissistic supply is negative attention, which narcs prefer over positive attention. I am not sure why. If I get upset, show that I am upset, or demonstrate how upset I am over what the narc does to me the narc wins – feels powerful and I lose – feel powerless. The narc does not care what damage I cause by retaliating. All the narc cares about is getting narc supply. So I began starving my spouse of narc supply by maintaining an indifferent attitude to all of the harassment he was using to disturb me.
Another lifesaver I found was how to create boundaries to stay emotionally and physically safe from a narcissist. I did not even know what a boundary was! Now I did. I put a lock on my bedroom door to lock my spouse out of my bedroom. Doing this gave me physical security and emotional sanctuary for the first time in the twenty years of my living with my spouse. If my narcissistic spouse got heated up I made him leave our apartment until he cooled down.
I had a dream I am viewing a less than a quarter sliver
left side illumination of a moon.
There is a 20% - 80 % rule about marriage. I was made aware of it when I watched a movie by Tyler Perry called, “Why Did I Get Married?” Upon marrying my covert narcissistic spouse I got the twenty percent slice of the ”Happily Ever After” marriage pie.
I had a dream a moon is divided into two halves.
The left half is solid black in color and texture.
The right half is shadow black in color and texture.
My narcissistic spouse was not going to be accountable for his sins against me. He already told me that he was not willing to change. The hallmark of a narcissist is that he is too arrogant to admit that he embraces the attitude of entitlement that regards others as objects to serve his self centered whims. Please, Thank you, and you are Welcome to the God – awful bully coward mentality that was thrust upon him when he was but a child, which he carries with him throughout the rest of his life.
Another lifesaver was the notion of taking care of one self. That was a foreign concept to me! My parents did not raise me to do any such thing. This meant taking care of myself physically. I struggled to implement basic grooming habits. It also meant taking care of myself emotionally. For me that translated into not only doing activities I enjoy to facilitate positive emotions, but also being supportive of my negative feelings of bitter resentment that for my entire life span no one has ever been there for me.
Another lifesaver had to do with me taking responsibility for my own contribution to the insane asylum I was living in, in order to save my own life. I was not to blame or shame myself. There were no judgments here. After all it was my parents fault I was a victim, not mine. For it was they who drove the victim mentality into my being when I was but a child. “Thou shalt be a people punching bag. Thou shalt be a people door mat”. And in a way where as an adult I did not know I was being a people trashcan.
Taking charge required that I figure out what I was doing and not doing that contributed to my being victimized by narcissistic neglect and abuse.
The following guidelines were not only applicable to my narcissistic spouse but also to all of the narcissists I encounter in the world on a daily basis:
1) I cannot control another’s actions; I can only control my reactions.
2) Pay attention to one’s deeds; Do not pay attention to one’s words.
3) Be independent by making my own decisions, doing things for myself, not sharing myself with nasty people.
4) God loves you. So love yourself in spite of the haters. There never was, is not now, and never will be another like YOU in the entire cosmos.
5) Achilles Heal for NARCS starve them of NARC supply by having no contact or minimal contact with them, and not letting them know they upset you by staying calm and being rational.
There was something else. It had to do with taking as much time as I wanted and needed to make the decision to escape the highly destructive relationship I was trapped in. I did it by taking baby steps.
FINANCIALLY – I had no marketable job skills and I was middle aged. And although legally the money was all mine, my spouse had retired and the pension checks were in his name only. According to his former company they were to remain that way unless we divorced. So I sought after a divorce to financially free myself of him by getting the pension checks in my name. What I discovered was that no Judge of any Court was going to approve a divorce based upon our separation arrangement. After all, my spouse had to have money to live on, too. It was perfectly reasonable. So we agreed to split the retirement funds in half. But when we proposed to split any future employment earnings in half – if and when my spouse got another job – the lawyer told us the Judge will not approve of such a divorce decree being that we cannot make a divorce agreement based upon hypothetical possibilities. This meant that if my spouse’s company ever decides to stop issuing pension checks to him (just like the U.S. government is no longer divvying out social security benefits to American senior citizens for they pilfered it) and my spouse gets hired at a new job, I will be the one on the streets. So we did not get a divorce.
I had a dream my spouse is a tornado that is
swallowing up my whole world.
But there is an escape hatch I can open up and climb into,
which leads to another dimension.
SOCIALLY - I had no friends, family, or community to look after me, nor do I have any children to look after. I am utterly ALONE. Unlike the literature I was reading, which said I was socially isolated because my spouse was a narcissist and so he kept me away from people; I was socially isolated since I am a social misfit. I am a non-conformist. I am unique in a good way. However, society regards my being different as being something bad. Therefore, I am victimized relentlessly by bullying. I mind my own business and go about getting the every day things done that all people have to do to live, but I get into trouble with the narcissistic bullies I am trying to conduct business with. Since I refuse to take crap from them, the troublemakers escalate the conflict they made and I become at risk for being thrown out of the establishment for having the audacity to defend myself against their offensive behaviors. Thereby, I have as little to do with others as I can by living in self imposed isolation. Now I finally know why I stayed in this highly dysfunctional relationship for so long with a narcissist. It is because I did not wish to be lonely nor did I desire to be alone. Unlike other people, being alone in this world is all I have ever known. That being said, the thought of leaving the one and only person in my life – my narcissistic spouse – was very scary for me.
"My name is Zara Zoreal. I was married to a covert narcissist for 20 years. He not only destroyed my life he destroyed his own life. We lost everything we owned. The reason I stayed so long with him was because I did not know what was going on. Until I discovered that he was a narcissist. But I was not able to get any help. So the reason I continued to stay with him was since I was alone.
Until four years ago when my ex-spouse decided to go from being emotionally abusive to being physically abusive. So I moved away. I was petrified of being alone. I was certain I was going to die from loneliness. Until something unexpected and unexplainable happened to me…God helped me. I am financially tied to my ex-spouse for the rest of my life. So I have to have periodic contact with him. But God has given me the strength to stay away from him. I now enjoy living alone. It is peaceful and I am safe.”
[Reader’s Note: Zara Zorael is not a religious person so she does not refer to God as a religious deity. She is a spiritual person. So she refers to God as the Creator of creation.]
I had a dream I heard my own voice say,
“The worst thing you can do to him is live”.
There was only one way to overcome being a victim of narcissistic bullying. I had to leave and have no contact with my narcissistic spouse. I knew if I did not leave him I was going to die of cancer being that I was addicted to chocolate and he supplied it for me. As far as the narcissistic bullies in the world go, I decided I will simply laugh at them for being nasty to me and I will get away with it being that they will not be able to prove I am making fun of them. So the day finally came when I was ready and told my spouse he had to find another place to live. We both agreed we were going to be discreet about it. Shorty afterwards, I overheard a conversation he was having on the phone with someone, whom he later told me was going to find an apartment for him. He told that person, “My wife is kicking me out of our house”.
"My spouse is a narcissist who performed covert operations of master manipulation upon me. But if you were to meet my spouse you will not ever believe my spouse did these things to me. And quite frankly, I find it hard to believe it myself even though I lived with him for twenty years.
Do I forgive my narcissistic spouse? No! The reason is because he is UNWILLING to change his narcissistic behavior.
In spite of the fact that it is a daunting task to liberate the self from the negative program that was inserted into one’s belief system by one’s significant others, one is still liable for one’s own conduct, especially if and when it is at someone else’s expense.
Do I resent my spouse? No! Since he is INCAPABLE of loving me being that he is a narcissist.
I happen to believe in what I refer to as a fail-safe universe. God loves me. So life gifts me with lessons. Not to inflict injury upon me, but to heal me from my own damaged self, which out of no fault of my own, was forced upon me by others. There is a saying that everything turns out for the best. I lost a lot of opportunities being married to a narcissist. But I was not able to do any better as being a victim of narcissistic parents is all that I knew how to be. Now that I know I am a victim of narcissistic bullying I can do something about it. I can ACCEPT without JUDGMENT that my spouse is a narcissist and in so doing liberate myself from being a victim of narcissistic bullying by following the Serenity Prayer, which goes like this, “God grant me the courage to change the things that I can, the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
“Dear Victims of Narcissistic Bullying,
You have the wings of a Phoenix.
From out of these ashes you will fly again.
Most Sincerely Yours,”
What Life Lessons Teach us and What we Learn about the social malady called Narcissism is that both the Victim and the Perpetrator are Victims of the Bully Culture’s Narcissistic Bullying.
There are many articles about victims of domestic violence thru narcissistic spousal neglect and abuse. Their clueless bloggers thoughtlessly and heartlessly assert their ignorance and cruelty by saying such things about the victim like, “You are a CODEPENDENT type of personality so you are looking for some sicko to rescue”. Or, “You are the sort of person who attracts negative people into your life for the simple reason that your inner child has UNHEALED wounds, which only highly, dysfunctional neglectful and abusive individuals can get you to resolve. Or, you are an EMPATH – kindhearted soul whose spirit gravitates towards MEAN, socio-psycho paths due to the fact that opposites attract. I resent articles that blame the victim for being a victim of bullying and according to physics opposites repel they do not attract.
Or, their clueless bloggers thoughtlessly and heartlessly assert their ignorance and cruelty by saying such things about the narcissist like, “You are a MONSTER, a VAMPIRE, or SUBHUMAN”. Or “You will always be a narcissist as you can never be CURED”. If we can get sick we can get well.
According to the English Dictionary a Narcissist is a person who is overly self involved. Greek mythology defines the Narcissist as an individual who is in love with him or her self. But this cannot be farther from the truth. Ipso facto, narcissistic people hate themselves for the simple reason that they are devoid of any love. Other narcissists, such as their parents, have bullied the love that God rooted into their psyche out of them.
The Bully Culture will have us believe that NARCS seek POWER and CONTROL over others. After all, BULLY(S) are invincible, right??? Wrong!!! NARCS are just as vulnerable as any one else. NARCS seek positive and negative NARC supply to get LOVE. Every human being craves love for this is how God designed all of us, as God is love, itself. God has programmed within us that love is a positive experience that we receive. Hence, positive NARC supply. However, the Bully Culture conditions us that love is a negative experience outside of us that we must give to others. The Bully Culture’s message regarding love is…we are never lovable unless we are better than any and every one else. But in order to be superior to others we have to make them inferior to us. Thus, negative NARC supply.
That being the case it only looks like NARCS seek to control and have power over others in order to get NARC supply. But, what NARCS are truly after is getting genuine love from others. However, they cannot, being that they gave their own capacity to love away. NARCS are empty shells, void of any love. They sold their God given love away to get a stake in Bully Culture, which falsely promised them real love when all it can offer them is the fake love that comes with embracing the Bully Culture’s superficial values of you must be a phony in order to get the so-called goodies. Pretentious people are not capable of sending and receiving bona fide love.
The NARC personality disorder is a by-product of the Bully Culture. It is not the result of one’s up bringing. For if people did not live in a Bully Culture they will be able to exercise their free choice to not emulate their parents’ dysfunctional bully coward role modeling behaviors.
NARCS are so desperate for LOVE, but so perverted by the Bully Culture value system on how to get it that the only thing they care about is getting positive and negative NARC supply. NARCS do not care about financial status - money, social status - people, only in so much as these things or beings provide them with NARC supply.
NARCS like all bully(s) are addicted to their target(s). For it is their victims who supply them with the so-called love they believe they are getting thru narcissistic supply.
The relationship between a bully coward NARC and the TARGET victim DEGENERATES because NARCS must get more NARC supply since previous sources for it get depleted due to the target no longer getting UPSET over what the NARC already withheld from them.
NARCS CONFUSE target by displaying a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality in order to keep the target strung along in order to get more NARC supply.
NARCS evade and avoid being accountable or responsible for their NARC behavior by blaming the victim for instance by declaring, “You expose me.” And by blaming their selves for example by declaring, “I am an angry person”. But anger and exposue are not the issue. They are the EXCUSES the NARC uses to get away with extracting NARC supply.
Never argue with NARCS. The NARC always wins. You always lose. Reason is because NARCS do not care about right and wrong only care about negative and positive NARC supply. So will either deny truth – negative NARC supply or admit falsehood – positive NARC supply in order to keep getting NARC supply, period.
NARCS do not enjoy being hurtful and harmful to others or to self otherwise the NARC ought to be called a sadist or masochist, not a NARC. The reason NARCS do not care if they harm or hurt others, or their self is because doing so is the only way to get NARC supply.
Meet Manny, Zara’s NARC ex-spouse.
The Bully Culture lies that NARCS are NARCS in order to have control over their targets. Control over others is not the issue, getting NARC supply is. If it was about power over others than Manny’s own life woulda, shoulda, coulda not be out of control but it is. Manny, a NARC diminished his life from the status of being a white-collar highly educated professional to the status of becoming a good for nothing bum.
Manny married Zara to get his father’s and his mother’s LOVE. When they rejected Zara, she became the one who deprived Manny of their love even though it was they who refused to love him. So Zara became Manny’s target for narcissistic neglect and abuse.
Manny became a professional not because he enjoyed it but since his father was a professional in order to please his father. So Manny’s career existed for the sole purpose of getting praise. Manny quit his job because it also gave him criticism.
Manny also tried religion to get LOVE from the greatest parent of all – God. But Manny choose to believe that God hated him one day when he was praying and his prayer was interrupted by a Mexican truck driver who was lost so asked him for directions. Rather then see it as God accepting his prayer by sending him a good deed to perform, Manny decided that God was rejecting his prayer by letting another person interfere with it.
Manny married Zara to be in the world of truth, which Manny and Zara believed existed in religion. Instead, both of them were rejected, as they had been throughout their lives in the secular community of the Bully Culture.
Manny is an a-typical NARC. Manny diminished his own life into nothing because he is smarter than the typical NARC. Typical NARCS have all the trimmings of the great life that the Bully Culture is willing to grant them – the junk culture of meaningless jobs, dysfunctional relationships, and crappy possessions - for the price of being willing to be NARCS – abandon their Godly divine essence. They do not realize what Manny has realized, which is that no matter what he does he is not getting any LOVE from the Bully Culture. The other NARCS are keeping their Bully Culture lifestyle because they believe in the Bully Culture’s fake promise that they will get real love if they just keep on going along with its sick-o program that for their to be a winner there has to be a loser in society. So Manny discarded his lifestyle of being in the top 20% of all Americans socioeconomically since he knows that the Bully Culture’s LOVE is bogus. As the Native American Indians use to say, “Manny’s horse is looking”. Manny knows what the truth is and has spent his entire lifetime looking for it in his own life. But he was unable to find it in society being that we all live in a Bully Culture. Manny sees what an illusion it is to be a NARC. But Manny is not willing to stop being a NARC for to do so means that he will be alone, a misfit in society, like all other individuals who embrace the world of truth.
Manny is stuck between two worlds. Manny does not wish to live by the truth because doing so means he is alone but he longs for it since he knows that is where the love is that will heal him from the NARC affliction the Bully Culture bred in him. Manny desires to live in the Bully Culture so he can belong to so-called civilization but refuses to since he knows what an illusion it is.
NARCS do discard their targets if and when they no longer serve them as NARC supply. Manny can discard Zara and re-enter the Bully Culture by getting a proper female punching bag who is more attractive, has more money, and who is able and willing to get with the Bully Culture epic program and play the Bully Culture master game. Yet Manny continues to keep Zara in order to be reminded that there is a world of truth out there.
The BullCrap Busters Website will transmit its signals over the Internet for as long as we have not been CENSORED off the web due to the ELITE CYBER BULLY as a result of LIBEL and/or SLANDER, and/or ANTI-MARKETING CAMPAIGNS, and/or BANKRUPT by bought off justice, and/or ARRESTED and/or INCARCERATED by trumped up charges, and/or MURDERED by a staged accident by those who have the audacity to call themselves FRIENDS of humanity, yet who are ENEMIES to us who dare to exercise our HUMAN RIGHTS, namely FREEDOM of SPEECH, in order to assist HUMANITY in overcoming BULLYING.